Clap Track

Effortless.

This door is very very closed

so, have you played around with this thing? you should. it's good for a lot more than just lookin' at.

Do you all think that you are prepared for all that might come your way?

Just put on a shitty techno song and grind her ass against your crotch until you're fully erect. That's why God made sadness.

Orson Welles Syndrome

Here's why you should hire me.

Blow Job City

These truths are self-evident; you shouldn't shoot the president. I know that you're hesitant to not shoot the president. Let's set a precedent and not shoot the president.

Zombie Weapons

I'm gonna move, I'm just so comfortable here.

I sweat you sweat me

There is a period at the end of this sentence

My hands are dirty

I've never practiced or rehearsed anything in my life and you can see that in my work.

Authentic Death

It takes a big man to admit he made a mistake, and I'm the biggest man there is. Obese with errors.

Parade!

Refreshments around the back.

Gentle Violins will Play You to Sleep

There's nothing wrong with sincerity, as long as you spin it the right way.

Rebel Rubble

he said "don't say things like that" and i said them all again.

Contemplation

Sometimes I'll listen to music I hate and think of you.

Throat Goat

I can't speak in tongues, but I can write "blippidy blagg blop blip zigga zing fap pop" really well.

When I was 15

If the singer is a crook, don't trust him with your song.

Back in

I could hit that note. I could hit you.

Squirk

You look better than you did yesterday. What an improvement a night with me makes.

What the fuck have you done

What the fuck have you done

Not much chance of survival

A great cacophany of voices all tearing their throats apart trying to find each other in the great big darkness. Thats what sleeping is like for me.

Free Jail

Move over once. Move over twice. Move further away from me.

I am just worried sick

i think i left the lawnmower running. in the refrigerator. with the ferret. and all that everclear. and the spontaneous combust-o-matic. oh, and your mom.

A Tall Glass of Vinegar

i go for the good kinds of things: the best felt tip markers, the thickest gauges of wires, the sharpest switchblades, the most concentrated detergents, the whitest sheets, the quickest trash compactor, the blackest nights, the most secluded dumping grounds.

Openly Weeping

I will sue every individual particle of your body. I will sue your molecules. I will litigate your protons. I will use this microscope to identify the many constituent parts that will receive subpoenas.

Shower Glower

I don't know where this came from but I found it while you were outside and I assume it's yours.

Yes. I'll be outside.

Needs Be

Only a truly desperate person could imagine what I see every day in that room, the people I take in there and the twisted things I take out.

We were politely drunk

You scrub and you scrub and you scrub and you scrub and then it's clean.

In the Red Room

Incoherently scream much?

Shaky on the details

It was good planning but poor execution when you killed that guy.

It's almost as wet outside

i wouldn't say "nature took its course" so much as "she raped my sheep so i shot her."

Teakettle under ass

The words that you should follow: Good bye. Good bye. Good bye.

Diver Bar

it's nothing to worry about. it's just a part of your lung that died and won't ever come back.

Victim

I got a nervous feeling in my gut from all these sins.

You fill me up with doom

Closing out some shit right now.

Dunkie Donie

i usually create deep, detailed alibis for normal, uneventful evenings to try to inject some life into my trite and meaningless day-to-day.

last night, though, i really did kill a man.

I didn't do it for you

but you ended up the benefactor. lucky you. lucky lucky lucky you.

Hope Full

Pick a script or use your own material. As long as you don't mind a completely shitty host and a terrible promotional campaign.

I'm talking to you

i went all the way until the break of dawn. i didn't make my exit until about 6:00am. by then, there was blood everywhere and she'd started screaming "i'm keeping the baby! i'm keeping the baby!"

she's barren and boring.

Hatin' Bolt

she's got a big head since she got that surgery. that head-enlargement surgery.

Pepper Spay

i had them extract the bullet from her skull and sold it for scrap.

Reversies

There are no returns.

The Escapist

There's at least one month out of the year where I disregard my basic needs completely. No food, no water, no air, no brain, no heart.

Banal Sects

I was just watching her, furiously watching her. Everything she did was so appealing.

Obsessive Combustive Discoier

you're an asshole. you're in the right place.

Semper Hi-Fi

Don't say that. That'll piss me off.

Secret Rooms

I understand that you have some words to say to me. I guess we should get that out of the way before I pop you one in the head.

Genius Grant

Use the whole room. Don't be afraid to explore every bit of it. There is no way out.

A Good Fence is a Good Fence

to find the movie theater, you walk outside and look for the movie theater.

Sharper image consciousness

On with the show.